Last year I set out a few goals for myself (you can read that blog post here) and I'm sad to say I've accomplished zero. Honestly, if I hadn't graduated from university in January, I would be really struggling to mention even one thing I did this year. As I mentioned back in January, 2018 was supposed to be a big year for me, I was supposed to graduate, turn 23 (woo, managed to do those two), get a job and move out. But, turns out, finding a job isn't easy, not that I thought it was but I was kinda misled into thinking "you'll never find a job if you don't have a degree" but, as it turns out, my degree means nothing if I don't have a major or 10 years of work experience, why didn't I think to get a job when I was 12? Silly me.
This year has been hard, and I know that so many other people have it harder than I do, but that doesn't take away from my own experience. Getting zero responses, or a few negative ones, from dozens of job opportunities, being secluded at home because I have absolutely nothing to do, just scrolling through job offers and then going back to being rejected all over again. I've felt depressed, angry, sad and lonely and I've felt nothing at all at the same time. There have been days when I'd wake up and go right back to sleep because my first thought was "what's the point of getting up?", and then there were days when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, and that's exactly what I did. I've been too scared to ask for help because I hate the thought of having to rely on anyone else but me to make myself feel okay again. I've completely separated myself from the very few friends I have and it hurts me to think that I don't even miss them.
My main goal for the year was to finally feel somewhat comfortable in my own body and boy oh boy, did I fail that one. I've always been insecure about my body, anyone that knows me knows that, and this year I've managed to at least talk about some of the issues and why I have them with my mum and boyfriend, which felt kinda nice to get off my chest and, in consequence, find a way to get through them. But the reality is, I'm miles away from loving myself and accepting myself for what I am. For a few months at the start of the year, I did try, and succeeded for that matter, to go on a walk every day and do some yoga to get my mind off things, as with most physical activities in my life I eventually stopped, and I don't even know why. I hate working out, so I always quit two months after deciding to do it, but both yoga and walks in the woods are something I love doing, even if it is for just 20 minutes, I'm always left with a feeling that I've accomplished something that day, which does make me feel a bit more productive and, as a consequence, keep up with doing something for the day instead of curling up in a corner wanting to disappear.
The second goal I mentioned was to travel more and travel alone. I love being alone, I really do, I live for those nights when my mum goes out and my boyfriend has plans and I can just be by myself, what I struggle with is doing exactly that outside. One of the reasons why I stopped going on walks or runs was because I hate being outside alone, I'm completely aware that no one is staring at me or judging me because I'm alone, but all that logic goes out the window once I set my foot outside the door. The whole plan to travel more and travel alone was to learn to be comfortable with my own company, but having no job means no money and having no money means I can't travel so I'll be blaming that one on all of those people who didn't hire me.
Another thing I mentioned was a bit less life changing and I'm not really mad about not having achieved it (and I can also blame it on all of those who refused to get me a job), I didn't get to use all my eleven film cameras, not even close, but I did manage to finally use my Exa, which was the one I wanted to use the most, so I'll take that as a win. On a similar topic, I mentioned I wanted to learn to let go and let people take pictures of me because when I look back on all those holidays in Paris and Amsterdam and Madrid with my friends, there aren't any photos of myself, which does make me kinda sad. Now this one I did kinda achieve, back in September my boyfriend and I went on a little 2-day trip to Sintra, and we got to visit one of the places I've always wanted to go to so, on the last day, I finally bit the bullet and actually asked my boyfriend to take a picture of me, and as embarrassed as I was for the whole 10 seconds it took us to take a few pictures, as soon as we were done I forgot all about it and now I actually have a picture of me I like, smiling and everything... Who'd a thunk it? And there I am, with my beautiful Exa on my lap, with one of my favourite views in the background.
On a more intellectual note, I also mentioned I'd like to get back into reading, which I did do, for around 3 months. I've actually written a whole blog post about this, which you can read here, but basically, when I went on holiday with my boyfriend's family, I finally felt like I was getting back into reading and loving it as I did before I started university, Lolita* wasn't the first book I finished this year, but it was the first one I picked up and read from cover to cover without feeling the need to take a month long break, or starting something different. This was then followed by the amazing Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine* (which I now really want in hardback* btw). I then devoured Call Me By Your Name*, quickly read We Should All Be Feminists* on a slow day at work (yes, I did work for about a month at a store to fill in for someone) and then proceeded to start She Must Be Mad*, The Unbearable Lightness of Being* and Julie & Julia* for an easy read, and I've yet to finish them. I'm pretty sure I'll have both the first and last books read by the end of the year so, I'll call this one half a win.
2019 Resolutions
After the year I've just had, I'm ready for a change. I have no idea what next year will bring, but there are definitely things I can control and change myself. I'd love to get back into yoga, but I'll have to do it gradually. I could definitely start doing it every day for 40 minutes at a time, but knowing me, in a few weeks I'd be quitting, so my strategy is to start small and let myself get used to it, start out with some small stretches in the morning for 5 minutes and then again 5 minutes before bed, Yoga With Adriene also has a video on "couch yoga" which is great for those days when I just don't want to move. By slowly getting used to this, I'll eventually feel the need to keep up with it and maybe, just maybe, I'll want to do more, like go on a daily walk and eventually start running. I've even downloaded an app that is supposed to help you get into the swing of things, so we'll see how that goes.
Secondly, I already eat quite healthy, despite the occasional junk food (but hey, it's all about balance), but I'd really like to go back to being a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for almost 3 years and then, for many reasons, just had to deviate from that diet. Honestly, I very rarely eat any meat or fish, but I'd like to cut it out completely, the only reason why I haven't done it yet is that I usually spend the weekend at my boyfriend's family place and they eat meat for every.single.meal, it's actually insane, but I'll learn to live around that. Along with that, I just need to drink more water, I'm so good at it during summer, but as soon as winter comes I kinda forget about it and it really reflects on my skin and lips, so GET.ON.IT. Also, I need to start drinking more green tea, I always feel better about myself when I do, and maybe it's just placebo effect, but even if it is, whatever makes me feel good...
Secondly, I already eat quite healthy, despite the occasional junk food (but hey, it's all about balance), but I'd really like to go back to being a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for almost 3 years and then, for many reasons, just had to deviate from that diet. Honestly, I very rarely eat any meat or fish, but I'd like to cut it out completely, the only reason why I haven't done it yet is that I usually spend the weekend at my boyfriend's family place and they eat meat for every.single.meal, it's actually insane, but I'll learn to live around that. Along with that, I just need to drink more water, I'm so good at it during summer, but as soon as winter comes I kinda forget about it and it really reflects on my skin and lips, so GET.ON.IT. Also, I need to start drinking more green tea, I always feel better about myself when I do, and maybe it's just placebo effect, but even if it is, whatever makes me feel good...
I feel like I'm really failing at this adulthood thing, mostly because I go to bed at 3 am, look at my phone until 5 and then wake up at 1 pm mad at myself for not getting up earlier, and even worse, absolutely shattered and ready to go right back to sleep. I'm not expecting to start getting up and ready to go by 6 am, although I'd love to be that person, I know I'd be so much more productive if I got up early. I remember when I had to get up at 5:30 am to go to class, by the time I was getting home from uni I still felt like I had the whole day ahead of me. So, that's another thing I'll gradually ease myself into.
Back in July, with the whole Plastic Free July movement going on, I really started getting into a more sustainable lifestyle, I started out small, first I got a few shopping bags, then came the reusable bottle, the metal straw quickly followed and then a bamboo toothbrush. These can seem like small changes but every little step counts, I began to be more aware of what I was buying, where I was buying it... I bake my own bread, make my own oat milk, laundry detergent, apple cider vinegar, cleaning products among other things (you can read my post about my ACV Rinse here & a list of DIY Sustainable Products here. I make my own produce and tote bags, I try to buy most of my groceries at the farmer's market or a bulk store and only go to the supermarket to buy things I can't buy at those places. You can find my posts on sustainable living here, but the whole point of this is to say, this year I'm really hoping to get fully into this way of living, choosing seasonal produce, trying to make more of my own products and truly live a sustainable life.
Back in July, with the whole Plastic Free July movement going on, I really started getting into a more sustainable lifestyle, I started out small, first I got a few shopping bags, then came the reusable bottle, the metal straw quickly followed and then a bamboo toothbrush. These can seem like small changes but every little step counts, I began to be more aware of what I was buying, where I was buying it... I bake my own bread, make my own oat milk, laundry detergent, apple cider vinegar, cleaning products among other things (you can read my post about my ACV Rinse here & a list of DIY Sustainable Products here. I make my own produce and tote bags, I try to buy most of my groceries at the farmer's market or a bulk store and only go to the supermarket to buy things I can't buy at those places. You can find my posts on sustainable living here, but the whole point of this is to say, this year I'm really hoping to get fully into this way of living, choosing seasonal produce, trying to make more of my own products and truly live a sustainable life.
Lastly, much like last year, my last goal is to a book-related one. I won't probably be one of those people who read 50 books a year anytime soon, that was the old me, and maybe I'll get back to that one day, but this year I'll settle for a book a month and if by December I've read more than 12 books, the better. I'm thinking of maybe reviewing a few of them, but we shall see. And that's all folks, a very long rant but a much necessary one, if you stuck to the end, let me know in the comments below some of your goals for the year ahead, let's inspire each other to do better and greater things. Talk to you next year, happy New Year everyone.
